Helpless.   I hate feeling helpless.  Any time I face something I can't fix, that's how I feel.  It started when I was a little girl.  As some of you know, my sister developed epilepsy and started having seizures when she was 18 months old.  I would've been six.   I don't remember much about that time or the years that followed.   It's said that trauma can cause you to block out events and store them away in the recesses of your mind.  Children are especially prone to this because they don't have the coping skills to deal with them.


There are a few things that I do remember; such as the time when my sister was in Kindergarten and she started having seizures that wouldn't stop and the doctor told us there was no hope…helpless.  Another time when she was around eleven, she had ten seizures in one day.  All I could do was stand by and wait for them to pass…helpless.   This feeling of helplessness made me feel out of control and put me on a path of making sure I would do everything in my power to stay in control.   It got so bad that I would manipulate people and circumstances in order to stay in that place. 


I'm sure you can imagine how well that worked.  The harder I tried, the more out of control I felt because life happens to everyone and like it or not, sometimes there is nothing we can do to fix it.


Lately I've been battling with control again.  It's never really left but subsides if things are going my way.  I've had some physical issues lately that have triggered old feelings and emotions and it's made me feel that I was going backward which terrifies me.


Today I met with my counselor.  She asked me two things.   First she asked “Who's in control?”   I knew the right answer was God and that's what I told her but then she asked me “If Jesus were here, could you convince Him you believe that?”   I was dumbfounded and it took me several minutes to give her an answer and that answer was “no.”    I couldn't convince Him because I wasn't convinced myself. 


Oh, how I want to be convinced.  I'm not saying I've never trusted God because I have but I pick and choose when and how.  In the situation I'm facing now, it's one that I've fought Him for control all my life.  When Jesus gave His life for me, it was for all of me, not just for the pieces I would choose to accept.


Think of it this way.  Imagine an occasion is coming up and you knocked yourself out to make it beautiful.  Part of it involved making a lot of sacrifices to buy special gifts to hand out.   As you gave out the gifts, you noticed certain people pushing some of the gifts to the side and they left without taking them home.  I know I would feel sad and disappointed that what I had done was not enough.  This is what we do to Jesus when we don't surrender control in every area.


If you can relate, please join me in this prayer.   Father, I want to give You control in every area of my life.  Help me to recognize when I'm fighting You for it and release it.   You will never force me and it's my decision to make which I thankfully make now.  Dear God, help me to remember that You are with me wherever I go and You will always give me the strength I need in any situation.  Thank you for sacrificing Your only Son so I can walk in freedom from feeling the need to control.  Amen

Handicapped

By Eileen Glotfelty • October 31, 2025
In December of 2023, I had just returned home from a trip out west. After being terrified to fly for many years, I was proud of myself for flying and navigating one of the largest airports in the world. I came home and sat down in my recliner so I could unwind and relax. After a little while, I stood up and felt pain in my left knee. It happened suddenly, out of the blue and took me on a journey I didn't want to take. Since then I have had multiple doctors visits, several rounds of physical therapy and arthroscopic procedures on both knees. This was the first time I faced mobility issues and I watched my confidence fade and fear rise up where it had never been before. I found myself looking at the ground with every step, making decisions about my social life based on how much walking I'd need to do, getting a wheelchair at the airport, and using a handicapped placard in my car. This disability controlled my life. Last week I finished my last round of physical therapy. I am thankful to say it helped me. I've been able to go grocery shopping, take short walks and stand while talking to others. Things I used to take for granted. Today I had an appointment. When I pulled into the parking lot, there were only two spots available. One was a handicapped spot right in front of the door. The other was all the way down near the end of the lot. By habit, I pulled into the handicapped spot and immediately the thought came to mind, “do I really need to park in the handicapped spot?” I found myself backing out and driving to the end of the lot. It was after my appointment when I was walking back to my car that I heard this still small voice say, “You are no longer handicapped so why do you act like you still are?” If you have ever had an epiphany moment, this was one of mine. I had gotten comfortable being handicapped. There were actually some benefits to it such as the parking and special assistance at the airport, and if I'm being honest, being able to use my handicap as an excuse to get out of doing what I didn't want to do. I felt justified in asking for help. It was ok at the time but all through this ordeal I had asked God to heal me and now that I was in a better place, I was afraid to let go. This revelation went deeper than a physical handicap. It affected me mentally and spiritually as well. I was afraid to let go because then I wouldn't have anywhere to hide but in doing so, I gave power to fear. It affected me spiritually because I doubted God really cared about me. The healing was taking too long and I was afraid I would never get my life back. If you know God, you know He doesn't always do things our way. This was a valley moment for me. It's been a place of searching and questioning if I believed He was good and His Word was true. I found myself telling Him, “God, I've done everything I know to do.” That was the problem. I've lived my life thinking nothing good happens unless I earn it. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. I have to tell you that as I walked back and forth to my car, there was a sense of freedom. It felt good. Now, hopefully, I can look at my life through a different lens. I have to be realistic because of my age. There are some things I can't do now, like climbing ladders, but it's not because I'm handicapped, it's just life and I'm learning to be ok with that.

Untangled

By Eileen Glotfelty • October 7, 2025
What do these things have in common: a dog's leash, Christmas lights, yarn, and neck chains …they all get tangled! If you've ever tried to untangle any of the above, you know how frustrating it can be…especially for a control freak. The neck chains are the worst. I can remember pulling one out of my jewelry box only to find a twisted tangled mess. I used to get a safety pin and painstakingly pull on each loop. I couldn't put it down until I had it untangled. OCD? Maybe. Life gets tangled in much the same way. For me, it happens in relationships, especially with loved ones. Maybe it's because the standards are higher and expectations are not met; or it's because we make ourselves vulnerable to those we love and our hearts feel the pain more deeply. Whatever the reason, things get tangled and become complicated. I have found myself in that place several times in my life. I don't like it when someone is upset with me so I try hard to make things right. It's not a matter of who's right or wrong. It's about the fact that in their eyes, I've offended them and whether it was intentional or not, they were hurt. Sometimes an apology isn't enough. Trust has been broken and it takes time to build it back up again. So what do you do when you've done everything you can to reconcile and the rejection is still there? You take a step back. You wait and you pray. You'll need to fight against the anger and resentment. Keep your heart in the right place. For me, it's a place of love and forgiveness and hope. Depending on the circumstances and the depth of the relationship, it could take awhile. I'm in a waiting period and I'm not going to kid myself. It may not happen in my lifetime but I do know this, I can wait with hope and peace and I can pray for them. Does it still hurt? Yes. There are days I grieve the loss of them but then I am gently reminded to let them go and trust the One who loves them more than I ever could. I read this verse today which may have have prompted my thoughts: John 13:34 NIV: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. If anyone knew how to love others through rejection, it was Jesus. He loved, He suffered, He forgave and He waits. He waited for me, He waits for you.

Hello and Goodbye

By Eileen Glotfelty • September 24, 2025
Mountains and valleys. Hellos and goodbyes. For me they're one and the same. I woke up this morning with a sense of dread because I knew I would be saying goodbye once again. Thankfully , I didn't get stuck there. My daughter and her family left today after coming up for a visit. They weren't here the whole time as they had places to go and people to see but it was nice having them near. I've come to realize that when someone is leaving me, I need to prepare myself emotionally ahead of time. I tend to focus on the negative aspect of things at times and saying goodbye is one of them. There was a time when saying goodbye would send me in a downward spiral. Not today and hopefully not ever again. After my family left, I went out to my happy place…my backyard swing, and as I was thinking about my family, this thought popped into my head. “Every time I've said goodbye, it was because, at some point, I said hello.” I latched onto that thought and realized goodbyes are only temporary. It may be awhile before I can say hello, but that day will come and it gave me hope. Until the next hello, I will think of the sweet memories we made while they were here…playing Old Maid and Uno; teaching the girls how to twirl a baton, laughing and singing and just the sheer joy of being with them. I know some goodbyes seem more permanent and I'm not making light of them. I've lost many loved ones and the separation seemed unbearable. There were days the grief was so strong, I didn't know how I was going to make it. But even in death, goodbye is only temporary. I say that because I know I'll see them again. I know because God said so. I started writing this because of saying goodbye to my family. I didn't expect it to take this turn but I'm thinking there's someone who's going to read this who is struggling with their own goodbyes. I want you to know you will be ok. God cares about our goodbyes and He will give you hope. I know because He did it for me. So take heart my friend. Hold onto Him. He'll bring you through. Goodbye is just a gateway to a new hello.