I talk to God all day long. That's how I pray but today I was asked the question, why do I pray? I pray when I don’t know what to do. I’ve been a control freak my whole life. I don’t like the unknown. I like to know what I’m doing. I need a plan. Lately there have been many times that I’ve felt out of control. There are things I can’t fix or change so I pray until I can let it go. I pray when I want answers. Once again, wanting to have some kind of control. I've always felt if I had some kind of explanation, or understanding, I could deal with the circumstances better. I pray when my heart aches . My heart aches when I’m dealing with some kind of loss. It usually involves a relationship whether family or friend. I pray when I’m lonely. I’ve always been around people. I wouldn’t call myself an extrovert unless the situation calls for it, but I like being with others. I admire those who can go to a restaurant or to the movies and just enjoy themselves. That’s not me. I’m always aware of the empty seat beside me. There are many verses in the Bible where God tell us we’re never alone. Psalm 23 says He is by my side. Isaiah tells us not to be afraid because He is with us. So, trying to keep that in mind, I pray when I’m lonely. I pray when I need comfort. When my heart is aching, I need comfort. Talking to God brings me comfort. Sometimes all I need to is just sit quietly. Other times I vent it all out. I pray when I’m afraid. I hate to say it but this is probably 85% of my prayers. Most of the time, I have nothing to substantiate my fears other than a feeling but I’m sure you know that when you live by your feelings, you give them power. That’s never a good thing. I pray when others are suffering. This is a hard one because it involves all of of the above. I hate suffering. I want to fix things and make everything better but there are times there’s nothing I can do. But, I can pray. Why is it we think of prayer as our last resort? It should be the first thing we do in the morning and the last thing we do at night. We’re not talking to the air. Our words are not bouncing off the ceiling. They are being heard by God who is very much alive and loves us just as we are. As I looked at my answers, I realized it was pretty one sided. Prayer is communication and communication involves both sides getting the chance to talk. Prayer is not just about pleading or begging, it's about having an honest conversation with God. It's about letting ourselves let it all hang out and not being afraid, ashamed or guilty. He knows how we feel. He knows our hearts and He loves us no matter what. He wants our conversations to be two sided but in order to do that, we have to sit and listen. I can't even imagine how many times I've missed what He's had to say. To be honest, sometimes I'm afraid to hear what He has to say because my prayers haven't always been answered the way I had hoped. The Bible says that “the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective.” That's how I want to pray. I have changes to make but in order to do that, I have to be willing to accept His answers even if they don't match my own…if not, I'm just wasting my breath. Father, may I pray in faith knowing I can trust You with the outcome and grow in the knowledge that You are good and Your love never grows cold. Amen

Last night I happened to look at my Facebook page before going to bed. I saw a post from a friend that made my heart ache. Her beloved husband passed away suddenly at 40 years old leaving her and their nine year old daughter behind. They are numb with grief and shock. Grief is no respecter of persons. It comes like a thief in the night. Twenty-two years ago I was in that place. People meant well but I found the ones who truly brought comfort were the ones who had been where I was. They were the ones that knew what to say and sometimes they didn’t have to say anything at all. They were just there. Grief affects everyone but each of us will process it in our own way. First comes the shock and then you go numb. After that a myriad of emotions will surface such as sadness, loneliness, anger and depression. You can stuff everything inside, but the best thing to do is feel the emotions. Recognize them for what they are. They are not a sign of weakness. They are necessary for healing. The news of my friend’s husband brought back a flood of memories of how I immediately kicked into survival mode. I remember telling my children that we were not going to be mad at God. That was denial in its greatest form. Little did I know it was exactly what we needed to do. It was bound to happen and it didn’t help to deny it. Many years went by before I realized how angry I really was. I was angry at the doctors, myself, and my husband, but I was mostly angry at God because, after all, couldn’t He have prevented it? I was good at telling people how powerful He was and I believed He could do anything ...so why didn’t He?  I wrestled with this for a long time. For the first ten years, I couldn’t even pray. My faith was so shaken. My children were crushed. I was crushed. All I could do was go through the motions pretending I still believed. People would come to me and ask me to pray for them and I felt like a hypocrite. As I said before, each one of us processes differently. My children were grieving and I didn’t know what to do. Laura was 10 when Rob died. She was her Daddy’s little girl and suddenly there was a void I couldn’t fill. Laura and I would get helium balloons and write messages to Daddy on them and then go outside and send them to heaven. We'd watch until they disappeared above the clouds. One of my other children shut down emotionally. He cried the day his father died and never again. Every fiber of our faith was tested and some of us walked away from God for a long time. Some are still trying to figure it out to this day and I can’t help but wonder if they will ever reconcile with their grief. Recently someone reminded me of this verse, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces, he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” Isaiah 53:3 It's talking about Jesus. I never gave much thought to His human side. He has emotions just like us. He grieves, just like us. He knows what it's like to be sad and suffer pain. Somehow, this brings me comfort. It reminded me that everything we go through, He did too. He understands our pain and our grief because He's been there. He didn't have to but He did it for me and for you. I don't know anyone who would do that, let alone God. He did it out of love. If anything I said resonates with you, I encourage you to grieve. Talk with someone, write out your thoughts. Feel the emotions and then lay it all at the feet of Jesus because He understands. If you need support, there's an organization called Grief Share. They will come alongside you. It doesn't matter how long it's been. Grief has no timeline. You'll never get over your grief but you will get through it.